How to Increase Your Confidence In Your Own Skin | Nashville Boudoir Photography

Look in the Mirror and Finally Be OK With What You See
by Nashville Boudoir Photographer Caley King Newberry

I’ve been a boudoir photographer for almost 10 years now, and, while women come to my studio for a variety of reasons, one of the primary motivations I hear is that they want to either regain the confidence they had or maybe even feel that confidence for the first time. I hear first hand the way we talk to ourselves, and, frankly, I’m not OK with it. These conversations also helped me understand that I can be similarly cruel to my thoughts around this body that houses me, and it is part of what launched me into a journey to self acceptance.

We’re in the time of year where you’re probably going to see a lot of photos of yourself, and that is one of the first situations that can bring up those spiraling feelings around your body, so let’s start a little practice before the holidays are officially here, eh? Here are some tips I’ve used over the years on my path to being comfortable in my own skin.

1. Acknowledge Where You’d Like To Be

   The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem, right? To me, a little affirmation and positive thinking is always a helpful place to start. “I desire to feel good in my own skin.” “I am a person who can do the work to love who I am.” “Even if my appearance isn’t the most important thing, it is something I want to be OK with without making physical changes.”

   I want to emphasize that last one — being confident in your own skin does NOOOTTT NOT NOT NOT have to or need to involve changing your body in any way. You don’t need to lose weight or get botox or a spray tan to feel good in your skin. Appreciating the external parts of you is purely an internal process. So let’s try one more: “I am a person who does not need to change her body to love herself.” Doesn’t that feel nice?

2. Think Positive Thoughts For Every Negative One

   Inevitably, we’re going to look in the mirror or at a photo and find things we don’t like about ourselves. It just happens. I’ve been refining myself through this process for years, and I’m not immune to negative thoughts.
   It takes three to five, and some say up to 10, positive thoughts to counteract a negative one. I feel like we’ve all heard that ratio when it comes to our relationships or our children, and I’d imagine we all want to make sure we send more positive energy than negative. Why wouldn’t we give ourselves the same positive energy we intend for our friends and families?
   Whenever you let those negative thoughts creep in, try saying a few positive things about your body, too. When you don’t like your double chin in a photo, remind yourself that your eyes look great, you were having a good hair day, your skin was glowy, you can see that little dimple that your partner likes — whatever it is you love about the parts that make you you, remind yourself of those for each negative thought.

   Struggling to come up with what to say? Ask for help. Send that photo to a friend or partner and say “I’m struggling with how I look in this photo and all I can see is XXX. Can you help me see what you see in this photo?” The kindness that you receive from the people you love is the same kindness you deserve for yourself.

3. Create Your Alter Ego

   It can be challenging to imagine ourselves as a person who feels good in her own skin, especially if you’re new to this journey and have been disconnected from yourself for a long time. To me, a little imagination is helpful. If I want to be a person who feels good in her own skin despite her “flaws” (they’re not flaws; they’re human), I can imagine another person who does feel good in her skin. Maybe she’s a superhero in disguise — we’re brainstorming here — and if that’s the case, what’s her posture like? What does she wear? What color lipstick does she have on, if she has any at all? Can you envision someone else and put yourself in her shoes and accept some of her confidence?

   I’ve always joked that if I were ever being hunted by MI5 and needed an identity change, I’d change my name to Veronica Powers, dye my hair black, and wear a leather jacket and dark red lipstick. Veronica Powers is confident and maybe a little aloof. She makes me smile when I think of her.

   Since I’ll likely never be on MI5’s hit list, how can I carry myself like Veronica so I can experience her today rather than in my imagination?

   (I’ve need admitted this out loud before and it feels vulernable and strange. This is how much I want you to feel good in your own skin. Also, if I’m ever on MI5’s list, someone come delete this post for me, please?)
   

4. Work Toward Body Neutrality

   I know a lot of boudoir photographers and people in general are promoting a self-love movement, and while I love the intent behind this, I’d rather move toward something more neutral. When you’re in my studio, I want you to walk away with a feeling of peace around your body rather than love for her. If we do all this mental work above to looooove our bodies, bodies that grow and change and sag and age, what happens when those changes take place? Do we have to do this work over and over again? To a certain extent, yes, but if we can land in a place where we’re at peace and neutral towards our bodies, those changes spark reminders rather than shame.

5. Remember It’s A Journey

   Like most good things, the process of being at peace with your body and confident in your skin is a journey with no arrival. Even as someone who’s been working on this for years, I’m sill susceptible to negative thoughts about myself. I still can’t help but internalize some of the things I hear or see. But now, instead of feeling like I need to spiral when I see a photo of my younger self or someone with the six pack abs I always wanted, I can gently remind myself that I don’t need those things to be happy, and it’s as simple and fleeting as that.

6. Maybe Book a Boudoir Session

   You knew it was coming. If you need to see yourself as the “best” version of yourself — with hair and makeup and professional posing and a little retouching — to be able to accept every other version of yourself, or if you want someone to sit with you while you look at 75 photos of yourself and challenge your negative thought patterns, maybe it’s time to take that first step. While I don’t think a boudoir session is necessary for this journey, it’s a great way to have someone hold your hand for a bit.